Overwhelmed

I started this blog with the idea that I would keep it light and fun.  I would use it to chat about things like make up, fitness and home stuff.  But I would be doing myself and the odd person who may come across this blog a disservice if I wasn’t being totally honest and real.

I am overwhelmed.  Today is June 17 and the last blog post I wrote was on March 25. In that time so much has happened that has thrown me for a loop.  It’s like I’m trying to walk across a boat in turbulent waters and just when I think I’ve got my footing a wave comes along and knocks me on my ass.

So what’s been so insane that I can’t seem to get back on track?  Well, in the beginning of April my husband’s aunt passed away unexpectedly.  She was sick but had been for years and her passing still shocked all of us.  My husband and I went to southern Alberta to be with his family during that time and due to complications with the autopsy things kept getting pushed back regarding her service so we were there for about ten days.  It was emotional, physically and financially straining (we had to stay in a hotel and our jobs only covered three days bereavement) but I do know that I wouldn’t trade the time we spent with them for anything.  You need to surround yourself with family in times of struggle and pain.  It did however cause us a bit of stress when we returned back to Edmonton.

Once we returned back I had one week left at my job.  I had given a months notice at work and planned out our finances to the penny (or nickel I suppose because Canada demolished the penny!) and losing out almost an entire paycheck really threw us off.  I felt immediate stress to get another job.  But I couldn’t quite yet because I had to head to Kelowna the day after my last day for two weeks.  I had pre-arranged this trip with the final paycheck in mind but even after that financial situation changed it was too late to cancel.  So off to Kelowna I went.  I will say that the drive down was awesome.  My mom wanted to spend some time with me so she came out and we drove down together.  After all the stress we had dealt with it was nice to have one on one time with my momma.

I was in Kelowna for my best friends bachelorette and wedding.  It was such an amazing time and a joy to be with her but again the time away not working and spending money without the reassurance of a paycheck when I returned home was stressing me out.   The other new thing on my plate was that I registered for school that started while I was away.  I am taking three online courses right now to get into the Personal Fitness Trainer program at NAIT (a local polytechnical institute in my city that offers all kinds of amazing trades and “non-academic” programs…I say that in quotes because it’s still requiring a lot of brain power and knowledge to get through but it’s not traditional academia.)  I was a week behind from the get go because I was swamped with wedding prep but I anticipated I would be and made a plan to catch up when I was back in Edmonton.  The beauty of online courses is that you can work at your own pace but the stress of them is that you need to get yourself motivated.  As someone who struggles with depression it can be hard to get my ass in gear and read about the anatomy of the human body when all I want to do is curl up in a blanket and avoid the world.

Once I returned back to Edmonton I did my best to catch up but I still had that overwhelming stress of “You have to find a job!”  (I’d like to mention at this point that I had planned to find work during the month I gave notice but it wasn’t possible.  I don’t advocate leaving your job before finding a new one!)  I did end up finding a part time job that is going to lead to a really phenomenal full time position that I’m really excited about.  However, it’s going to be a little while before a solid consistent paycheck rolls in.  But that’s okay, that part of my life is actually feeling like it’s going to fall into place.  It actually felt like things were getting back to normal, I was catching up on school, catching up on client work and then something happened that I didn’t see coming.

My little brother was riding his motorcycle home to see his girlfriend and daughter on May 26 when a car turned in front of him.  He turned to try and avoid the car but he ended up with his leg pinned between his bike and the vehicle.  The momentum flipped him in the air, he hit the windshield, the hood of the car and then finally was thrown onto the ground.  He was in the hospital for ten days with a broken sternum, broken arm, broken knee cap and a completely shattered heel along with multiple small stress fractures, lots of bruising and road rash.  Thank God, and I actually do thank God every day that Brandon wasn’t injured worse or killed.  One wrong move or one more flip and he could have broken his neck, been rendered paralyzed or even died.  When I think about how close that was, I immediately tear up.  Brandon has been my everything ever since we were small.  For a couple years it was just him, me and my mom.  He’s an amazing brother, a fantastic provider and partner for his girlfriend and an absolutely brilliant father to his daughter.  To have a traumatic accident like this happen to him is truly heartbreaking.
I got a flight home as soon as I could after I heard the news and I stayed with him in the hospital until he was able to go home. Two days after he was home and I went back to Edmonton he went back to the hospital for follow up x-rays and they found that his arm wasn’t healing properly.  They re-admitted him and operated on his arm, putting in a plate and eight pins.  Once he woke up they realized that he couldn’t move his thumb so they had to immediately put him back under, get him back in the OR and make sure the nerves weren’t damaged during surgery.  Luckily there was no nerve damage and he has since recovered the use of his thumb.  His heel is still completely shattered but the bones stayed in their place so the doctor won’t perform surgery, instead they are waiting for the bones to fuse together on their own.  It’s a longer healing process but less invasive.  He is going to be dealing with the fall out of this for years.  Not only will he have to re-learn to walk but he’s going to have arthritis in his knee for the rest of his life.  He hasn’t been able to hold his daughter since before the accident because of his broken sternum which will take months to properly heal. He is still in a full leg brace and will be for months.  This accident has completely changed his entire life.

So suffice to say that I put everything on the back burner for the last few weeks.  School, client work, even cleaning my house has been pushed down to the bottom of my list.  Now that I’m back home I am slowly getting back on track but I’m definitely weeks behind in school and struggling to catch up.  I feel like I’m drowning in deadlines and there just aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything.  I’m doing my best to get up each day with a plan, try to stick to that plan and get things accomplished but it’s hard to not allow feelings of sadness or discouragement take over.  I hope to get back into the swing of things and start rocking my life again but some days it definitely feels like I will never get out of this rut.

There isn’t really a happy conclusion to this story…yet.  I wanted to get it out into the universe and off my chest so that I can hopefully move forward feeling lighter and more energized to be motivated.

I’ll be sure to keep you updated fam.  Until next time, keep living that beautiful life. ❤

– Jenn

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